It's Illegal for a School Bus to Drive in Reverse

I can't beleive it's October. No friends, this statement is not a cheap substitute for butter, I simply can't get my head around the fact there's less then three months left in the year. Not that I'm not happy to finally part ways with 2006, however it seems to me time keeps going by faster and faster. Maybe this is yet another thing that happens as we get older...though my money is on some sort of time-altering device created by an insane genius with the lofty goals of universal domination. As a side note that has nothing to do with anything, since we really don't know much about the whole universe, why would anyone really want to be overlord of it? What if some villain finally does succeed only to find out the rest of the universe smells like a porta-potty at a chilli festival in the middle of July?

At any rate, I'm glad I can finally sit down and catch up on the ZCCNL (this is the September edition remember) so I can still maintain the fact I've been writing these annoying things for almost four years straight. Hooray, I'm mediocre!

As most of you already know, I was able to move into an apartment in mid-September...I'm living by myself again and I was able to find a good deal on a two bedroom in a really quiet fourplex...so it's pretty cool. I will miss the Garner-Boegh homestead...even the dilapidated deck and the STD-ridden carpet...but there's a spot in the carpet of my small bedroom that looks like it has herpes, so I do already feel somewheat at home. Other than that it's the same old same old...working, teaching and scaring small children.

I came across a picture the other day and it inspired me to do a segment on the not-so-rare cxreature called Doubus Maximus

Doubus Maximus typically flock in groups of at least six and tend to gravitate towards dance clubs, street corners, and shopping malls if they are not of legal age. They usually are ethnicity-confused and speak a strange amalgamated language that is only barely understandable to bystanders. This dialect differs from group to group, thus making a scientific analysis of the roots of this language nearly impossible...though it is universally accepted that all words that start with "th" is replaced with a simple "d" (ex. "Dis" "Dat" and "Deologian"). This also crosses over into their writing any typing practices.

The physical attributes of Doubus Maximus are highlighted with the accompanying photo. I hope you will find this helpful in finding and identifying Doubes in your local areas.

A: Note the hat barely hanging on the subject's head, tilted in a willy-nilly fashion. The reason for this has no conclusive evidence, however rumor has it that it has something to do with compensating for a sloping brow and other odd cranial distinctions.

B: The standard Doubus Maximus has jewlery refered to as 'bling'. To his credit, this subject has apallingly minimal 'bling' for a Doube. Gigantic sparkling necklaces and rings usually accompany ear and facial jewlery as well.

C: We see the thin child molester mustache and goofy "I'm better than you" smirk usually plastered across the average Doubus Maximus' face.

Overall a Doubus Maximus is generally harmless unless provoked. In this instance, the Doube will generally initiate the confrontation by a verbal onslaught called 'talking trash', and will usually be backed up by at least two of the remeining five members of his group. If you find yourself in this situation, don't worry. Due to the language barrier you probably won't even understand his taunts and jeers. Your best bet is to stare back with a glazed over look, cocking your head to one side like a confused dog.

So remember kids, do your research. One day your great grandchildren might ask questions about the long-extinct subspecies called The Doubes.

I'll be back at the end of the month with the actual October edition of the ZCCNL. Have a good month, and for the love of all that is holy, don't start putting Christmas decorations up yet. PLEASE think of the children.

This is Zach as always saying "Please don't add me to your block list."