Sure, mock my beans!

So I've been sick the last three days and as I came to from one of my delerium-induced comas, waking with the strange scent of Jack Daniels, Cat pee and Orville Reddenbacher's popcorn burned into my nostrils (you know, like Jackie Gleason's shower) with visions of Bender from Futurama in the midst of fisticuffs with Al Pacino, I realized I really wish I had a pet Dinosaur. Then my fever broke, I lay in a puddle of sweat, returned to my proper age and rued the day Christopher Columbus brought disease to this continent. I dunno why people need to reply on acid trips, all they need to do is get sick...

So, surprisingly enough I've received some "letters" from some of my "favorite" "people" from downtown, asking for advice via the ZCCNL (just play along ok?). In an attempt to help these poor souls better themselves, I thought I'd reply...with a little bit of Zach flavor thrown into the mixx. Here we go:

"ZCCNL,

Yo, my biznatch won' give me teh proper rezpekt I dezerve, holmes! I swear at her non stop, tri to make her happee by forcing her to do everyt'ing I want to do and she just won' git the fact that SHE'S lucky I spend time with HER! Any sujestuns on how to train her better, dawg?

-DJ Happy MaCalliSTARR"

DJ,

First off my friend you need to stop talking like you're retarded, wear your hat the way it was meant to be worn, and get a belt for your pants. Your female friend also may not be impressed with your soiled wifebeater, "rugged" fu-manchu and your general Kevin Federline-like outlook on life. No offense but maybe you need to stop hanging out at the Main Street Bistro and spend more time at the library learning to read and write? Just throwing it out there buddy. Best of luck giving yourself a complete overhaul in order to be a worthwhile human being.


"ZCCNL,

Hey man, just dropping out of the clouds long enough to ask why no one will accept my peace n' love lifestyle! War is wrong, man...government's wrong man. How can you sit there when the Man is killing baby seals and corrupting us with their never-ending conspiracies and lies?! Everyone needs to like, totally hold hands and dance around flower beds, drive electric cars and abandon their lifestyle of shoes and the world will be a happier place, man.

Thanks man.

-Moonbeam Potsoil"

Moonbeam:

I think the main thing you need is to wake up from your drug trip, take a shower, get a job so maybe you can buy some deoderant and clothes that arent's made entirely of hemp, feed your dog something that isn't made of gutter rat and contribute a little to the world you love so much. Maybe that will calm you down enough to realize that while you may mean well spreading conspiracy theories and being politically involved preaching....errrrrrr ....educating' (no wait, it is preaching. Disregard previous word exchange) to all us lamans about how the government is evil and taking away our civil rights, you're just annoying those of us who have the right NOT to care. Personally I have more important things to stay up late at night worrying about...you know, like why Joanie REALLY loved Chachie. I've said it before, but If you really want peace let's start a nuclear war, bomb the crap out of everyone and then when no one's left there will be peace! Hooray!


"ZCCNL,

Hey there, like, my boyfriend like totally doesn't appreciate me! He, like, can't see the fact I, like, totally see past his faults, past his, like, history of cheating on me and past his tattoo-ed, leather jacket wearing exterior and into what I can, like, totally change him into so we can, like, totally live happily ever after! What can you, like, totally do to help?"

Bar B."

Bar B.:

Well dear, it seems to me like this is a classic case of the stoopids. Girls like you complain but don't understand you can't change someone, so you gotsta ditch 'em! Try looking past the exterior for once and look at the interior you DON'T have to change. If you need someone to slap you back into reality, please let me know. My slapping knucles haven't been brought into use since '88.

Alright thats really all I have time and/or patience for right now, besides I feel another fever-induced coma coming on.

This is Zach, reminding you all to feel sorry for hm and don't add him to your block list since he's pathetically sick.