Squirrels have a high Mortailty Rate in Boise

I'm back to annoy you all with a renewed vigor for ranting, raving and giving backrubs! No need for the obligatory 'what Zach has been up to for the last thirty days', as it's pretty much been the same-old same-old, just working, teaching and throwing rocks at toddlers from the cover of darkness as usual. What? I've never been to Maine!

Ok, so I know you all are expecting me to write some long winded article about how the Special Olympics are going to be held in Idaho in 2009...but I'm bored with being amused by handicapped people. Honestly it was more amusing to me to see you all get excited about that stuff around me than the actual people themselves. I'm not saying I won't end up with a handi-capable child or that I'm not going to hell because karma certainly works...but do not worry eet eez faiene.

As I sat pondering what I should write about for the month, I originally decided to park myself on a bench downtown and do a bit of people watching and write about the zany adventures of the mentally challenged guy on the corner that asks for donations and slaps the people in the face who actually gives him money...but it rained for like a friggin' week and I was sick for two days and it didn't happen. Maybe next month. Yeah right...I've also been saying I'm going to do another batch of observations and bring back the 'You're Nothing but a Failed Abortion' awards but those ideas have nary found purchase. No friends, I pondered then pondered a little longer and realized I've never written about America's "Delightfully Tacky Yet Unrefinded" chain of reastauraunts...

Hooters.

Boise finally jumped on the Hooters train a year ago and I have eaten there many a time. The wings are awesome and the company is great, but the real reason to go? Watch the retards who think the waitresses are "totally into them".

Yes, not unlike europe's red light district and seedy strip clubs, the waitresses use their assets and charm to get guys to give them tips. Thankfully I'm wise to their li'l scheme and am immune to their wiles. In fact, I guage their tips according to how much they try to pimp my cash from me. The best tip I ever gave was to a waitress who refilled my water once and never came back. However, the waitress who attempted to make small talk with Matt and I and touched my shoulder got a dirty look and a half peso. I've evaluated this whole situation as well...the times I've gone with just male friends the waitresses turn their prostitution levels on high, but when I go with female friends (which is most of the time...thanks Liz! Wyngz n Bubz! Wiiine!) they typically leave me alone.

If you've never been to Hooters, let me paint a scenario for you: You walk in the front door and are seated by a server similar to any other eatery, but the similarities stop there. After you wait fifteen minutes for your waitress, finally order (slowly and using small words so she can understand you), and wait fourty five minutes for your food to arrive, you attempt to enjoy your meal when a waitress asks for everyone's attention because it's someone's birthday...who of course has been forced to stand on a chair and dance while a song is played...and if he stops dancing he has to buy everyone a drink! Derp!!!! As you try to ignore this and eat your $20 plate of wings it becomes painfully clear you have been seated under one of many speakers positioned around the restauraunt when YMCA is blared at 8,000,000,000 decibels while the waitresses dance and sing, play with hoola hoops and throw beach balls around with little girls who were taken there by their abusive drug dealer parents. The waitresses are actually forced to dance and heaven help them if they don't. Liz and I watched as a waitress was attempting to serve a paying customer during the YMCA 'happy fun hour', only to have the manager stick his head out from the kitchen and yell "Bambi! Get your @$$ out here and dance!". 'Bambi' then hung her head in shame as she plodded out to join her co-workers in cheesecake entertainment like the indentured servants they really are.

Overall, I reccommend going to Hooters at least once just for the experience. Personally I love the wings and I have a picture of me from last fall, mouth full of meat with grease and bleu cheese dressing covering my hands and face as proof. There is an episode of South Park called 'Raisins' that parodies Hooters and is spot on to the dining experience...phrases such as "I'm glad you guys came in, everyone else here is such a loser...but you guys seem really cool!" and "Hey sweetie, come back and visit me again real soon ok?" is commonplace, as is physical contact and general whoring. So go out, take a group of friends and see for yourself. It definitely beats shoving broken glass up your butt and getting into a bathub full of lemon juice.

This is Zach, happy to be back saying "Please don't add me to your block list"

P.S. Thanks to Sarah who said the great quote I stole and used as the subject for this month's ZCCNL!