Skizanqz 4 the Memoreez

As I sit here in front of the computer screen, trying my best to have a completely lazy experience (slouching back in the seat, head cocked to one side with my mouth half agape, slight drool escaping out of the right corner, eyes only half-focused), I realize we are now in August. Summer is nearly gone. I remember the days of yore when I was a child, summer meant being able to sleep in until noon every day, eating McDonald's while watching classic episodes of 'Flipper' on Nickelodeon, swimming most days and coming home to get out of the sticky ice-cream soaked clothes only to get the fresh pants I put on completely muddy not having a care in the world. Now, Summer is no different then any other time of the year, except for the fact my power bill is twice the normal amount due to the fact I have to keep my air conditioner running 12 hours a day to prevent my apartment turning into Hell's condo. I suppose it's just another item to add to the list of 'Things that are Depressing as I get Older".

In the past year I haven't had much news to announce, I am still at the same job, I still teach my drum lessons and Drum camps, but at the end of this month I am pleased to announce a good change. I will be moving out of my one bedroom apartment into a house with the Vander Boeghs. I turned in our holding deposit for a sweet two level house this very afternoon, and we'll be able to move in September 1st. Prepare for BBQs and movie nights, because this place is pretty cool! This is quite exciting since I won't have to deal with drug philandering neighbors, and the insane Crack Whore who left two infant puppies in the courtyard on leashes two Saturdays ago in an attempt to give them away. Hooray!

This August also marks yet another milestone for the ZCCNL! While we celebrated the second anniversary of the newsletter's Monthly publication back in March, I am pleased (and sort of ashamed) that August 2005 marks the Third Anniverary of the very first ZCCNL! I hope I've provided you with a few laughs or at least the odd chuckle or chortle over the past three years and I just want to add that I thank each and every one of you for "Not adding me to your block list" as I so explicitly plead at the end of every month's edition. I've received a lot of praise for many of my editions (Mr. Ramirez, Sasquatch, my undying hatred of everything Hippie-related, observations pertaining to cheese, and a huge responce to the Karakoe factions from last month) and I've got all of you to thank for being my fuel and giving me inspiration to kick my butt into gear, even if I didn't produce a good or funny edition.

So, enough of the mushy crap, in celebration of the 3 Year ZCCNL anniverary I was going to hold the semi annual "You're Nothing But a Failed Abortion" Awards ceremony, but to be honest I'm in a good mood and not many people have pissed me off lately. In order to have somewhat of a celebration, I'm going to let you all into my life, and show you exactly what has made me into the 'six year old in a 24 year old's body' you all know today.

I was born Tuesday February 24th, 1981 in St. Luke's Hospital at 7pm Mountain Time. I grew up close to where I live now, off of Latah and Lemhi. While growing up I did have many friends however I was the only kid my age for many blocks, therefore not only was I raised by my wonderful parents and family, I also had the great opportunity of being reared by a handful of the era's pop culture icons...I wanted to list all of them and share what each of these colorfully animated surrogate parents taught me:

Transformers: First and foremost, Optimus Prime and Megatron taught me that not only was there good in this world but also evil that I had to stand up to. Optimus Prime taught me courage, loyalty, leadership, how to die multiple times and come back alive...and how to turn into a sweet friggin' Semi Truck.

Smurfs: How cool was Papa Smurf? All the other Smurfs had to wear white clothes and have moronic personalities but Papa Smurf put the smackdown and said "I'll be an individual!" He wore red and had a beard. He didn't care what the other Smurfs thought. He was obviously older then the others, but you never heard the others call him 'Gramps' or 'Cantankerous old Geezer', Papa demanded respect. I mean imagine what they Smurfs would have been like if they had Vanity or Brainy as a leader? Gargamelle and Azreal woild have eaten them up like Oprah Winfrey at an all you can eat buffet (Yes, I know I always rip on Oprah but I hate her and all her brainwashed ilk). The only thing I never understood was why Surfette wasn't called Mama Smurf since she was the only female Smurf in a veritable Smurf Utopia, but that question has already been asked by many and will continue to be asked throughout the ages.

He-Man: Girls complain about how models and ad campaigns create an unattainable image of women? Look at He-Man! As a child, He-Man taught me to look like I had the upper body of Arnold Swartenegger and the lower torso of a ten year old. There's no possible way he could have an adequate bowel movement with an abdomen like that. She-Ra was hot, but at least as Princess Aurora she had down to earth attainable good looks...though at that age of course there's the notion that boys hate girls...which is preposterous, I've always had a weakness for females the proof being my first steps were chasing a girl down the hallway at church when I was one year old...but I've said too much and shall digress.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Awww my first unhealthy obsession. I was into Transformers and He-Man but I'll tell you what, those Ninja Turtles came out and all their murchandise was like crack...I had to have it all! The Ninja Turtles taught me that if I put a baby animal in glowing green ooze, in a manner of days they would grow into wise-cracking street-talking crimefighters. They also taught me that eating things like ice cream and cereal on a pizza was healthy and cool. I would be lying if I said I didn't wear a ninja turtle bandanna and eat cafeteria pizza with applesauce on it...for three months straight.

Those were the main four. They were like four more Uncles that would visit me every Saturday morning...the token ones that taught me swear words and gave me illegal murchandise I'd sneak into school. Here's a quick run-down of what some other show characters I watched taught me through the years:

Animaniacs: Yakko, Wakko and Dot taught me that farts and burps were hilarious, sexual inudenos were ok and that being just plain crazy was perfectly acceptable and healthy. Can anyone argue with that? They wouldn't have fallen for any of that "It's rabbit season!" "It's duck season!" crap Bugs Bunny used to pull. Plus, they helped me learn all the State Capitols and Worlds Countries in a Melodic fashion, unlike the completely worthless history teachers I had in school. Seruiously If I ever meet up with Mr. Norman, Mr. Dalgliesh and Mr. Fout again, I don't care if they are on life support, I'm punching them in the face with a follow up knee to the groin.

Captain Planet and the Planeteers: This show taught me that being a tree-hugging environmentalist would bring me together with a group of other kids and we would call upon a blatant metrosexual in skin tight spandex to fight people who polluted the earth. Actually, that sounds like a far fetched story used by the Michael Jackson defence. There was even a pet monkey involved! That cartoon showed me that having 'Heart' makes me useless and is so much inferior then being able to control Wind, Fire, or Water.

GI Joes: Call me gay (if you do I'll destroy you), but I never really got into GI Joes. It was apparent Duke could hurt me, even in cartoon form so I had no choice but to listen to his messages about not crossing the street without an adult, calling in false fire alarms, and dunking kitty in the aquarium.

Eek the Cat: Eek taught me that it was ok to be a snivelling coward and get the crap beat out of me weekly by a rabid shark/dog abomination.

Lassie: There was one thing for certain: if I fell into a well in an out of the way obscure part of the wilderness, I could count on a dog to communicate with the local police to find me, no questions asked. Also, if the dog died it could be easily replaced by another one.

Super Sunday: Ah, Robotics, Paw Paw Bears, Jem and the Holograms, and Bigfoot & the Muscle Machines. They really didn't teach me too much...The Paw Paw Bears really never fought their own battles, when things got tough they just used Totem Bear [father/ big brother] to pummel your problems into submission, therefore becoming dependant on their help and turning into sniveling crybaby NARCS. Jem and the Holograms taught me that it was cool to be part of a chick band and not to let any man stand in the way of my feminine wiles. Robotics and Bigfoot and the Muscle Machines just had lots of sweet action and explosions.

The Jetsons and The Flintstones: I really didn't learn anything except how to verbally abuse my spouse, but where were the black people in the future and the past?

My Little Ponies: Yeah, thats right: I had My Little Ponies. Horses were sweet. Now leave me alone.

Thundercats: I learned that anything that looks like a Mummy is not dead and can kill you until you die. Panthro could have owned them all.

Tiny Toons: Cartoon Characters can procreate?

X-Men: I liked X-Men before it was cool to like X-Men. I wasted my money on the comics at least two years before I could watch a cartoon for free. But I learned to never persecuate anyone for being different because they could secretly have claws or eye lasers that could kill me if I did.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: I learned many things from the fruitloop colored teenagers on the Power Rangers show: Getting hit by a laser blast or by a sword does not kill you, only sparks fly off you and you fall down. Villains always have the mentality of a retarded infant. If you are a super hero, your colors must match your ethnicity (Seriously, when the show first aired, the guy who looked like a native american was the red Ranger, the black ranger was a black guy, the Yellow ranger was an asian chick, the blue ranger was a smart average american, and the pink ranger was a stupid ditzy american girl).

So now you see that all the knowledge I have I gleaned from my childhood mentors, things I'll actually carry with me until I die, unlike all that boring 16th century english crap I had shoved down my throat in high school I discarded the day I graduated. Cowabunga-Sword of Omens-I have the Power-Transform and Roll Out-And knowing is Half the Battle!

Thanks again to all of you who've stuck with me for three years, and welcome to new readers I get each month. See you all next time and as always, "Please don't add me to your block List"

-Zach