They'll regret Un-Dooming themselves!

Hellos to all of you! This is a special month since it has been two years since the ZCCNL went monthly. Thanks to all of you for sticking around through the good issues and the horrible editions (traffic? gah!). Also, for those of you who have been around long enough to remember it, yes I do still have the Sharis' Menu in my wallet:D

This isn't the main focus of the ZCCNL for this month, however it is quite noteworthy:

I stopped by to pick up lunch while I was out and about one afternoon a couple weeks back, and to my surprise not only was I served at the window by someone who was apparently mentally handicapped, but had a huge oozing gash running along his thumb with no bandaid! As he handed me my change, I resited the urge to ask him for a plastic bag in which he could hand it to me, so that I could sterilize it before handling it...and if I hadn't have handed him a twenty I would have told him to keep the change. Thank God he wasn't actually making my food....but if HE can waltz around with an open wound how many other employees are doing the same?! Are they nice about it because he's retarded? Truly one of the great mysteries of our time....

I have decided I'm going to bank in on the success of reality TV shows of recent years. Mine will conquer them all for I have a foolproof plan: Use elements from each to make a SUPER Reality TV Show! The pot is of course the obligatory One Million Dollars........

First off, you are captured at gunpoint by hired goons and bound, gagged, and thrown into the trunk of a 1970's-era sedan. What you don't realize is that this is all a ruse created by your family and friends...you aren't "really" being kidnapped, but the guns are loaded, and you will be executed should you resist or fight back.

After you reach your destination (of which the city is chosen based upon the birth of Dave, the singer from the band Disturbed, divided by your age plus sixteen), you are prodded into a room naked, to be scrutinized by three judges...an african-american male who's opinion could change at the drop of a hat, a female who gives you the benefit of the doubt and favors the underdog, and a complete @$$ who will demean you without provocation.

If you meet their standards you are forced into a vat of manitee feces, where you will swim around until you find the five gallon jar of aborted sloth feti, which you have five minutes to eat in its entirety...but should you fail (which, of course you assuredly will) you are dropped off in the Nevada desert with nary but your wits to make it to civilization amidst the heat, hazards and whores.

When you reach the nearest city, you must choose from three contestants who will be your new father. If you choose the wrong one (there is no right one by the way), you will undertake rigorous plastic surgery to give you the appearence of Walter Cronkite if you are Male, Estelle Getty if you are female, and are forced to model swimsuit wear to a large group of love starved thirty-something Star Trek nerds who live in their parents' basement.

Should you meet their approval, and survive their group reaction ("KAAAAAAHHHHHHNNNNN!!!!!!") when you reject their romantic advances, you will be led out of the basement and into a cushy limosine. This is, to your dismay, your last comfort since you are on your way to the airport to board a plane. Your destination: That nigh-unliveable climate known as Ney Jersey where you are forced to survive off your own wits and instincts. The very water and air is tainted with decades of pollution and visits from Barbara Strisand. Even if you do reach the end and win, your relief is short lived since the producers shrug and admit the $1,000,000 prize was just a joke....you emerge with a coupon for a $3.20 Beef N' Cheddar sandwich meal at Arby's as the spoils. Congratulations.

I can't wait to plug it to the stations. I'm sure at the very least FOX will pick it up and renew it for three years to come....

Ok, so it fizzled out there at the end....I got tired and I was eating a brownie so my mind wasn't entirely on my wirting.

Have a safe early Easter (Easter's in March this year?!) and stay tuned for info on the live production of Matt Vander Boegh's rock opera, 'The Erinys', in the next couple weeks. You all local people had better support it, or you will find a musty smell in your corn flakes...

This is Zach as always saying "Please don't add me to your Block List"