It's a simple life....

....So why do I insist on making it harder on all of you with my poor sense of humor and inane banter?

Ahoys and salutations to all of you once again, from me through the email newsletter that people, not unlike yourselves have deemed "Pointless", and "Utter Dumbs**ttery".

I come to you a few days early this month since at the usual time of my publication dates, I will be up to my scapula in teaching jobs. Thankfully I enjoy teaching and writing, otherwise this would be a hell far beyond anything most of us could comprehend and imagine. I imagine it would be somewhat like living in Hong Kong.

My life has maintained a steady dosage of busyness coupled with a Healthy Point Load [(c) 2004 Matt Vander Boegh] of servitude. Nothing has changed since June, so there fore I won't bore you by saying "I'm still working for my dad, teaching drum lessons, and pondering why my crack-whore neighbor continues to venture outside the comforting and opaque walls of her home when she looks as though Gollum has a female rival."

My commentary section of this month's ZCCNL deals largely with the holiest (in the loosest sence of the word) department store in the world.....Wal-Mart. Long have I been tempted to write an editorial on the patrons of Wal-Mart, yet my concience prevented me from doing so. Since I am devoid of most emotions these days, I feel no compunctions about ranting and raving about the oddity of my local Wal-Mart Super Store.

God created us in his own image. For some reason I find myself questioning that statement each and every time I walk into a Wal Mart. Either by some strange twist of fate, or perhaps God is just a jokester, some human beings look as though they survived the Crusades (it's too soon to say they survived the Oklahoma City Bombing) with nary but some physical disfigurement as a reward. I'm not any sort of racist (you can't be when you have a vivid hatred for every race equally, including your own), however I pose the following question: Why is it these poor souls always congregate at Wal-Mart? They both shop AND work there. I have the utmost respect for the 'normies' who work at Wal-Mart (Ricky: Thou art a King among Men). Please, I plead with you: Why must you have to be 80 years old and have facial hair no matter your gender to be a door greeter? (Resued joke ratio over the past two months: 2:2) I have seen a myrid of weirdos, ranging from Captain Fatback who worked in the photo processing department, to Necro Santa and Mastodon Woman, all the way to an 80 year old woman wearing a Playboy tanktop in January. I'm definitely NOT saying I am a GQ model and comparing myself with these people, I'm merely pondering the strange coincidence all these people feel they have to shop at Wal-Mart? I have concocted a list of possibilities:

1: Is it the family-friendly atmoshpere? I should think a hearty NO. I can just imagine a small child following around a person whose pants look similar to one of their parents...they tug upon this person's leg, asking for the nearest candy at hand....and when the person looks down upon the frightened youth with their third eye, hairline lip and sweat soaked wife beater the youngster exclaims "I wanted my mommy, not a monster!"

2: Integrity? Wal Mart did, afterall, remove all magazines with lewd and suggestive covers, as well as 'inappropriate' CDs. I must say no again. I doubt a huge corporation that puts three super stores in a tiny town would care much about integrity. Even the slightly more upscale patrons of Fred Meyer has Wal Mart them beat in honesty and integrity. I overheard a mother and small child discussing whether or not the purchase of a toy was to be made. The little girl of a mere four years of age tugged on her mother's heartstrings by saying "I love you." The mother responded with "Do you only love me because you want the toy?". The girl smiled and nodded. The mother shook her head and said "Well, at least you're honest. Put it in the cart." Is this something Wal-Mart would posess? There's a great chance of it, but I'm going to stick to my guns and say NO!

3: Cheapness? I would say yes to this. Although Wal-Mart could quite possibly be included in the next reprint of the Bible as the 8th deadly Sin, it is nigh impossible to beat Wal-Mart's low low prices. And Roll Back sales.

There. I suppose I answered my own question by writing my twisting, nonsensical newsletter. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to join my mutant brethren at Wally World, so long as they remember to wipe the mucous ozzing from their three fingered hands off the fresh fruit they just decided to grope like an underage prostitute. This is Zach, as always saying "Please don't add me to your block list."